Yesterday was Saturday and I go to mass on most Saturdays at 5:00 pm. I'm not a dyed in wool Catholic, but I'm more of a Christian. There are aspects of all the Christian denominations that have merit. I tend to not "enjoy" Catholicism's rules. If you are a Catholic, you know what I mean. But I also tend to feel that my experiences in the Catholic church have not been particularly "cheerful" as I have found when attending other Christian churches.
I truly believe that "faith" should be "cheerful" and I have found my faith to be a huge support to me as I continue my journey with Fibro. When I'm asking "why me?" and when I feel "alone" and "misunderstood", my faith is a huge help to me.
Yesterday I fell apart in church. A few things touched me and they were NOT cheerful. After communion (sharing of the bread and wine), the priest has a moment of reflection and acts as a "mouthpiece" for Christ.
He first says, "Speak Lord, your servant is listening...".
What followed this yesterday, brought me to tears...."My child, I hear your groanings (meaning, pain and anxiety) and I have not forgotten you even though it may sometimes seem so, I am with you, by your side and I am the answer to your prayers." I lost it.
Then, the deacon (the priest's assistant) walked up with a mom and little girl. The little girl was obviously deformed and had some issues. The priest said that this girl had just celebrated her first communion and the entire congregation clapped. That made me cry more. It didn't even seem that the girl even understood what was going on.
Finally, I met up with a woman that I had befriended in church recently. Her son has Cerebral Palsy and I got to know her by offering to help her out when she was trying to get to her handicapped van with her son and her little 3 year old daughter sleep on her shoulder. Her son is in a special (laying down type?) wheelchair, on oxygen and cannot communicate. His name is Christopher. He smiles when you say "Hi!" to him and talk to him. I never see her with a "husband". I don't ask those things.
But her first concern when she saw my face was me. "Mo...are you alright?". I said yes and went on to tell her that the situation in Colorado had caused me some upset and I had been touched deeply by what the priest said about it. That was, of course, a bit of a lie.
I helped her out to her van by pushing Christopher as she gets the younger child into the seat in the back of her van. Then we put out the ramp for the wheelchair. I wish her well and I leave her to go to my own car.
I sat in my car and thought, "I have Fibro. Many people say "You look fine". I get annoyed. But why?
Am I looking for pity? Do I deserve it? After seeing these two people, very young people, with issues much worse than mine...well, at least "visually" so, do I have a reason to complain?
What do you think about this? Do we have a reason to complain? Are we better, the same or worse off than these individuals?
Do you have a child with a disability? There is something very heart-wrenching about seeing a child with a disability. I got through most of my childhood "unscathed"....for the most part. My heart goes out to you if you have Fibro and are a caregiver to a child or any family member. It is SO difficult. I've been there. But never for a child. My daughter has been healthy, for the most part and I am blessed in that sense.
What do you think about this? Are Fibro sufferers just a bunch of whining, self-pitying, lazy people? Am I that person?
I am not sure anymore. When I see children in these circumstances, I feel "guilty" to some extent.
Your thoughts? I don't proclaim to know what is right or wrong. What should I be doing with my life? How should I be doing it?
I struggle with this illness every day. What is the right answer to these questions? Is there ONE right answer?
Blessings.....
as always I welcome your comments and responses....
Mo M.
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