I promise to continue, for those of you reading my posts on medication for fibro, them very soon.
In the mean time, I have something to tell you and I hope it helps those of you who, like me, constantly struggle with their ability to "work" like they used to. I am always looking at jobs online, thinking, maybe I can do it again...be that workaholic career woman I once was. Most recently, it was actually in my head to "push through" whatever job I may be offered and try for the most "difficult" /high-paying jobs I could find.
Then God sends you a little "note" in the form of ....experience to let you know how "silly" and "misguided' your "plans" are.
Last Wednesday I was preparing for two days of doing makeup for approximately 6 shows of a theater group that my daughter directs. I say "approximately" because the first was a dress rehearsal and it was a more relaxed attempt at doing FULL makeup on 6 out of 30 characters in the musical she directed.
I got up on Thursday morning at 5:45 am, after having spent the night waking up to make sure I wouldn't oversleep! I got my breakfast and then got myself ready to go. We were to leave at 7 am and arrive by 8am.
I ended up leaving at 7:15 which wasn't too bad. I arrived promptly at 8.
That day there was a 10:30 dress rehearsal, a 1pm show and finally a 7:30 show. The shows lasted about 2 hours and 15 minutes. I went home at about 10:30 that night and got myself ready for the next day, getting about 5 hours of sleep, until having to get up promptly at 5:45 am the next day.
Well, I hit the snooze about 4 times...which made me have to really move it. Not a great way to start the morning! I made sure I had coffee because I felt "hungover" from fatigue and didn't want to feel that way driving.
That day, all I could do was to wish for it to be over. We had ONE show at 10:30 am and I thought I would collapse. My eyes felt heavy, and although I felt no pain..YET....I was so tired and weak, I just kept drinking as much coffee as I could put down my throat.
We had a problem with cars and instead of being able to leave after the show ended, I had to attend the cast party at 1pm....and I was now pushing myself around feeling as though I had aged about 40 years in the past two days. Now, the pain was setting in.
The cast party was held outside and it was hot, muggy and cloudy. It was a beautiful lake setting but I felt so "out of it" that I wasn't sure that my words were even making sense.
I knew that there would be errands to run on the way home and I dreaded that more than anything. Thank God my daughter didn't want to stay at the party too long and we left and she helped me stop at the grocery store for some items I knew we'd need over the next day or so.
It was all I could do on that SECOND day to keep my eyes open and not fall asleep every time I sat down, EVEN in the car. I was so sick and tired that my vision wasn't even that good. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were sunken, dark circles and mottled tired looking skin. I hadn't been drinking enough water.
I tried to make it through the rest of the day, when we arrived home at 4, but by about 9 pm, I went to bed to read and didn't get past a sentence before I crashed and slept (with interruption, of course) until about 9 am the next morning. I woke up in pain that was excruciating, back pain mainly, but all over was achy.
I was "foggy headed"...fibro fog...and I felt weak, but at least a "bit" rested.
As of today, Sunday, two days from my attempt at "being normal". It was a rough day. I slept in AGAIN, until about 9:30. I went to exercise and it took quite a bit of willpower to keep myself going. Then, this afternoon and evening, it literally took every ounce of strength I had to make it through the rest of my "chores". I felt "lousy" and I just wanted to lay down.
I sometimes wonder why I cannot. Truth is, I don't let myself.
I think I'm ready to accept my lot in life. As much as I would like to have more "money" and some "purpose" in my life, I cannot and likely will NEVER work in a "career", full-time or part-time again.
I feel a bit frustrated by it....a bit is an understatement. I also feel that, financially, I need to do SOMETHING to rectify my situation. I don't know what, yet, but I'm hopeful that I will figure it out.
Please friend, accept yourself and don't push too hard. Not only do you hurt yourself, by making your symptoms flare, but if you are completely "Foggy-brained", you can possibly cause harm to others. I felt so "out of it" driving the other day that I'm sure I could have easily gotten into an accident if I was kept awake by my daughter's talking. Thank GOD for her and thank God I made it home in one piece.
It's late now in the eastern part of the US, so I'm going to bed. Please get your rest.
I understand that many of you do not have a choice and have to work. Believe me, I feel your pain and I actually "honor" you and wish I could help you somehow. I also am very jealous of your financial ability to "earn" more than you likely ever will on disability. If you can stay there safely and comfortably, do it.
As for me, and maybe some others of you, it's just not possible.
Please send me your thoughts and ideas on this very important topic with regard to Fibro.
Blessings........
Mo M.
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