I do know that sounds negative....I do. I struggle with this everyday however and I'm curious how the rest of the "Fibro world" deals with it.
Let me give you a very brief background of where I've journeyed in my life.
Went to college (French major), decided to start working for an insurance company (nameless is better) to gain some business experience. My BA in French could only get me a secretarial job with an international business in NYC at a very low starting salary. I needed "business" experience in some way, shape or form.
I ended up in HR and stayed in that career for 9 of the 14 years I spent at the insurer. I never left because I LOVED HR. I was good at it and it became less of a job than a "passion" and "vocation".
My salary was great and when I left due to Fibro I didn't think (immaturely) down the road that I'd ever end up ONLY on Social Security. I had a Long Term Disability policy that paid over 60% of my predisability income. It was great, but then, they (the LTD company) decided that the Fibro was stress-related and cancelled me. I am not allowed to discuss what happened after that. But suffice it to say, I fought that decision and it was "somewhat" a win for me. SOMEWHAT being the key word.
I didn't plan AGAIN, and thought, "Oh, things will be fine!". After all, my spouse had a secure position with the same insurer.....
....until last July.
My husband's job ended on 2/29/12. It was a Tuesday. I remember watching him walk up the driveway on his last day and trying to hold in the tears.
Why are we our jobs? Why are we our income?
Well, my fellow sufferers, truth be told, part of it is sheer practicality. In the world today, you need to pay MORE for everything. With his income and my Social Security disability, we were considered "middle class".
Now, we are not middle class. Spouse still does not have a job. I am scraping by because of bad decisions. He luckily has some severance pay that will last a while for the mortgage, taxes, utilities, etc. But we've had to cut back in MANY ways.
I have not been smart in my handling of money. I've accrued more debt than I should. I've taken out a home equity, but I will be 60 when that gets paid off. Matters worse, I have some more debt now. I need to zero that out.
I have learned my lessons well. I reconsider every purchase I'm about to make as if it's an absolute necessity.
In other words, clothing is out, shoes are out, most beauty products are out. I don't really need makeup because I don't go anywhere where I have to "dress-up".
I use what I have as much as possible and when I run out of things I reconsider the true necessity of that item.
Listen, the last thing I want to do is sound like "gloom, doom and poverty". I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a comfortable bed in which to sleep. However, there are not any extras.
Our cars, meaning mine and my spouse's, (with the exception of my daughter's, which is 5 years old for safety reasons) are 14 and 21 years old, respectively. Both have over 100,000 miles.
Now, let me jump back about 3 years. If I were telling you all of this at that time, I would be in tears. I am not in tears.
As a matter of fact, I have a friend whose husband's business has taken off and they are now millionaires. She has NEVER had to work, never went to college and does work with her church now to make her "own contribution" at $9 an hour. They have Lincolns and each child has a car. I used to cry and be so depressed over things like this.
These days, I'm happy when I see a friend succeed. I am truly, honestly, happy. I'm not "just saying it because it's the right thing to say". I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I am happy to see others drive their nice cars and go on wonderful vacations.
I no longer ask, "Why me, why us, why can't we have all of that?". I know that succeeding takes a ton of work. I cannot speak for my spouse. I can only speak for myself and say that my "disability" has left me unable to "succeed" in the "conventional" way.
In other words, I can't go full force into a career or work that will keep me working 10 -12 hours days, putting my heart and soul into it and making it a huge success out of my life.
But that's OK, my Fibro friends. We have to work with what God has dealt us. Now, let's think about that. They say, God never gives you more than you can handle. Well, there used to be days that I would "grimace" at the quote. But NOW, I believe it's true.
Going a step further, I believe that if YOU, meaning you, my Fibro-suffering friend, do what you CAN do in life, God will do the rest. If you take the first step out in faith and try something, whether it be a passion, vocation, exercise, diet change, whatever, God will take you the rest of the way.
What does that mean for you? What dream do you have for your life? Having Fibro doesn't mean that your dreams are dead.
I thought I'd never walk or jog on a track again....and I do. It tooks 6 months to get there off of a walker and cane, AND there are still the days when I'd rather stay in bed, but I take that ONE step out in faith. God does the rest.
What is your passion and your dream? Maybe you can have it. For now, however, DO NOT beat yourself up for "losing a job", "cutting back hours" or not making your former "income".
Now is the time to start your dream or even decide on a new and more exciting dream. The point is, you MAY have to lower your expectations but don't GIVE UP!!!! Just back it up a bit. Just imagine the new you, with Fibro, doing something that you CAN do.
The thing that made me think of this whole scaling back "concept" was this: I was coming off of the track today after my exercise attempt. I've had to "lower my expectations" there too!! But as I approached my old :) SUV, I found next to it a beautiful new Jaguar sports car. I felt a slight twinge of that "old" jealous anger and then it was immediately replaced by, "Wow, what a nice car. I'm sure that person worked hard to get it and that it means a lot to them."
Honestly folks, flashy cars aren't my thing. I guess I'd like to have a more "reliable" car that isn't quite as old but I DO have transportation that fits my "new and smaller" world. That's what I mean about lowering your expectations. DO NOT give up, just reset those values....maybe you won't have a "Jaguar" future, but you will have a future and, who knows, it may surprise you and be better, more rewarding and less stressful than that "Jaguar" future.
The world is more than things, clothing, cars and huge mansions. It's people and nature and beauty that surrounds us every day. Those are things we can all have. Yet in the Jaguar life, you may miss them.
When I'm on my "death bed", I don't want to look back on my "Jaguar" life, I want to look back on a life where I loved and appreciated the people that I knew and the special times together.
What about you? What are your expectations now that you have Fibro? Have they changed from before?
What will you do with your life now? You have so much to offer? What are your passions?
Blessings.....
Mo M.
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